Hairy Duffy walked down the road with a grim expression; his stepfather
Lord Whiffalot had just kicked him out of his family home. What had caused such
a terrible thing to happen, you might well ask? Well now, you see Hairy Duffy
was no ordinary Duffy, he was in actual fact related to the renowned Lord
Fibalot, who had extraordinarily powerful imagination skills, it was said he
could conjure up images from his Own mind and they would magically appear right
in front of you! So it was fabled anyway! Tonight Hairy Duffy was deep in his
thoughts, lost in another world, when all of a sudden a rather large and hairy
llama suddenly appeared. Now that
in it wasn’t so bad, but the llama appeared on top of the table
In Lord Whiffalot's favorite Stirling restaurant and sadly crapped in his
rice pudding! There is
nothing in this world worse than llama turd in your rice pudding and lord
Whiffalot was seething mad! He
raised his famous petrol pit arms in the air and sprayed the entire restaurant
with what can only be described as, well, how can I put this?
I think the best description would be 'odorous shiticus'
Llamas as you know have extraordinary sensitive noses and a superior
sense of smell to even dogs. The
poor Llama died almost instantly and toppled over and landed onto Hairy Duffy's
Aunty, the great Lady Peealot, and true to her name a large green tidal wave
soon formed and swept all the occupants of the restaurant outside and rather
unfortunately for them, straight into the path of an angry Geraldineasaurus. Now
these scarce creatures aren’t usually seen at night, however this one had just
missed the sale at Gregg’s, and was ravenous.
So it quite happily gobbled them all up like a packman
Eating the dots on a computer screen (mind you it didn’t like the
strange green sauce that came with it very much). So lord Whiffalot told Hairy
Duffy he was far too dangerous and had to leave to go to a special school, one
where his talents would be nurtured and with people who could help him control
his rather extraordinary imagination. So
here he was heading for the train station to take him to hogwash school for
imagiticans.
At the Train Station it was as though only Hairy Duffy could see the
train with the Hogwash destination sign on it. Everyone else went about their
business and the train just stood there, waiting.
Eventually a rather strange thin looking chap with an official looking
uniform yelled at Hairy Duffy 'come on Duffy I haven’t got all day, get your
arse on board my train, and make sure you don’t make a mess'. This was
obviously the train driver, Hairy Duffy guessed, he looked at the strange thin
man and noticed he had a name tag on his jacket, it read 'J N Y Friar'.
Strange name Hairy Duffy thought, you would think he owned the train,
maybe he did? The train soon started to move and Hairy Duffy settled down to
read his favorite magazine 'paddler monthly'.
This always made him happy and soon he was grinning like a Cheshire cat
and chuckling to himself. One day
he thought, I'll have enough money to start my own paddle business, and then
I'll show them all, I'll be the richest paddle merchant in the world!
The train was moving at a spanking pace now, getting faster and faster
and faster and faster, ohhhh stop Hairy Duffy was so excited, then suddenly ...
the train stopped! He had arrived at Hogwash!
Once he got off the train he was greeted by what he thought was a humped
backed person. True the unfortunate
man did seem to have a bit of a hump and he introduced himself as 'ovenfud'.
Hairy Duffy was led by Ovenfud up the winding road to Hogwash, his new
home. And what a home it would turn
out to be, and what wondrous adventures awaited Hairy Duffy. Ovenfud knocked
hard on the large oak door, and it slowly creaked open.
Before Hairy Duffy stood a tall bald person, his head gleamed as the
sunlight bounced off it, it was amazing thought Hairy Duffy.
The reflection was so powerful it was almost blinding. This was in actual fact the respected professor Bumblebonce,
now professor Bublebonce was a legend within Hogwash. It wasn’t the first time he had used his amazing bald
napper to reflect the suns rays onto icebergs to avoid ships hitting them, and
in one memorable occasion he had saved a small village during an electricity
blackout by using his amazing bonce to beam sunlight directly to a solar panel
thus providing power to the local MacDonalds.
Folks said it was a true miracle and no one starved during the blackout
thanks to professor Bublebonce. Professor Bumblebonce was one of Hairy Duffy's
heroes and he longed to have intimate talks with him, and desperately wanted to
see if he held Hairy Duffy's views on paddle making, maybe they could even
experiment together - now that would be a dream come true for Hairy Duffy.
Professor Bubmlebonce though was tired these days, he longed for
retirement and indeed welcomed it with open arms. At his age paddle making no longer held any excitement for
him, he was more prone to have wet farts and dry dreams. A sad but true fact as age creeps up on an imgitican of the
first order of the lime green thong. Oh yes, Professor Bumblebonce was a
protector of the realm and he had sworn a secret oath to protect the evil forces
of Lord Wendy from ever getting his loath full hands on the lime green thong.
Its powers were beyond belief and could never be allowed to fall into
those dark hands. There were of course many other thongs out there, some
Professor Bumblebonce had even tried on himself, but none came any where close
to the magnificent power the lime green thong held, he wasn’t even really sure
of just how powerful it was. All he
knew was that legend spoke of a powerful imagistic that would one day join with
the thong and bring world peace and tranquility.
He looked at Hairy Duffy, could this be the one?
hmmmmmmm
Hermankyfingers had observed Hairy Duffy Arrive at Hogwash and watched
while he was led away by Ramondo. Ramondo
was the resident guide and helper to all the students; it was his task to settle
the new students into the school. HerMankyFingers stood outside the trifle door as Ramondo led
Hairy Duffy Inside. What Hairy Duffy saw was truly unbelievable, in the middle
of the room sat a massive trifle. Ramondo
explained that the trifle could sense what kind of person Hairy Duffy was and
would thus allocate him to a suitable house within the school.
The houses were:
Slitherpuss
Grivensores
Neverwass
Wassabath
The trifle looked Hairy Duffy up and down and up and down, it just
couldn’t make its mind up! In all
the trifles years at Hogwash it had never came accross anyone before like Hairy
Duffy. It pondered and pondered.
Hairy Duffy sure looked like a Slitherpuss it thought, but then again he oozed
Grivensores but then again perhaps he was a neverwass, or possibly even a
wassabath person. Suddenly the
trifle gave an almighty wobble just like the almighty Geralineasarus did when it
died from food poisoning
(See previous chapter) by eating Lady Peealots Green Sauce and announced
you are in 'Grivensores'!
So it was, Hairy Duffy was now in the house of Grivensores To be honest
though Hairy Duffy was rather disappointed, he had hoped the trifle would see
him as a Slitherpuss but he put a brave face on and promised himself he would do
his very best for Grivensores house, he would make them proud.
HerMankyFingers, smiled and was rather pleased, Hairy Duffy was now in
her house, they were both Grivensores. HerMankyFingers
was developing quite a crush on Hairy Duffy by now.
As he walked by her, led by Ramondo to his dorm she smiled at him.
Hairy Duffy smiled back. He
saw a young, plump girl with long greasy hair, and those fingernails, oh my, he
would love to suck on them he thought. He could almost taste the beautiful black
ooze filling his throat. Hairy Duffy looked at his own fingernails in disgust,
he vowed to make them blacker, and no one as attractive as HerMankyFingers would
ever go with him with such clean nails. Hairy
Duffy was cursed with his nails only ever turning green with stale dirt, no
matter how hard he tried he could never get them completely black, certainly no
where near HerMankyFingers. He
vowed to change that. Of course HerMankyFingers, had other uses for her
MankyFingers, but that's another story best left for now, lest it creates
disturbing images strong enough to whisk you away and into Hairy Duffys strange
mind.
Hairy Duffy had a very restless night.
It started off well with his usual favorite dream of paddles until
suddenly a figure appeared shrouded in mist, and for a second, he could have
sworn the shrouded figure had a ginger beard.
In the blink of an eye though the image was transformed into a
clean-shaven ghost like image with piercing blue eyes and a more than strange
jaw line. What Hairy Duffy was
actually witnessing was the horrid Lord Wendy.
Lord Wendy was using his own magical powers to enter into Hairy Duffy's
dream world. Now Lord Wendy was the most evil, horrible person on the whole
planet and he hated Hairy Duffy, in fact he hated all the Duffy’s. Lord Wendy
was infect related to the mystical Ginger Wizard and former protector of the
lime green thong, Sir DanBank who had unfortunately met a sticky end when he
attempted to remove a stack of cream pies from the sleeping mouth of a
Geraldineasaurus. It is said that
Sir DanBank and the Geradlineasaurus had become quite friendly; to the point of
well shall we say intimate relations? However
no matter how intimate he was with his Geraldienasaurus, removing her cream pies
was not a particularly clever move and thus Sir DanBank now resided in the belly
of the Geralideasaurus. Lord Wendy wanted the lime green thong, he knew he could
do so much more evil with it and he would do anything to get it.
The figure crooked his finger to Hairy Duffy beckoning him and began to
whisper Hairy Duffy held. And they
would be his, entire all Hairy Duffy's if he chose to help Lord Wendy obtain the
lime green thong.
Hairy lay asleep on his bed of compost, lovingly prepared by Foop the
wise old codger, (compost and other stinky stuff was his specialty. He lay there
contemplating what Lord Wendy offered, for some reason he felt strangely
aroused, He started to get a notion for doing naughty things with dried Kippers
and angel Delight. There was a sound at the window, Hairy got up to look,
brushed the maggots from his groin And approached the window, he noticed a
figure standing in the corner of the room, he plucked up the courage to ask who
are you, have you come to seduce me, or take away my dignity.
The figure replied in a grumbling voice, I am Chuckypants the seedy, I
have been watching you closely Hairy, as the figure approached Hairy noticed
that it was wearing the biggest pair of Bloomers he had ever seen, (I mean room
for a pony) tan colored and stained by years of being stuck on top of
Chuckypants head, chuckypants incidentally made a lot of sniffing noises
(don’t know why)
Chuckypants why are you here, I have come to warn you Hairy, there is
another who seeks the Lime green Thong, Hairy noticed that the brown marks on
the bloomers made the shape of two eyes and a smile, Hairy also noticed that
chuckypants was rubbing his hands on his knees, and making squeaky noises.
Chucky pants asked Hairy, Can I touch you Hairy, and I’ve never touched a big
legend before.
When Hairy woke the next morning, there was a present at the bottom of
the bed, (who could have left me a present he thought) he rushed to open the
present, and to his delight there was a note that said…. This was left in my
care by your father Hairy, it is now time it was passed to you, moving aside the
moldy green tissue paper, Hairy was delighted to find a gold plated Rampant
bunny master 2000, the note continued, this has magical powers Hairy, once
inserted up your ars, it will protect you from malicious spell casting, but you
must stay clear of carbolic, the combination of bunny radiation and carbolic
will cause the dial to remain stuck on full power, thus making you teeth
chatter.
Hairy sat down to a hearty breakfast of camels shit, wood shavings and
cheese and onion crisps, to drink he had an ice-cold glass of fresh pond water.
Whilst chomping down on that baby, he was approached by another pupil, Hi
he said (in a very irritating, my nuts haven’t dropped yet voice) my names is
George violet nipples, I’ve been here for 250years, I’ve been practicing my
wet fart and gobshit spell almost mastered it, just the little problem of me
constantly shitting my pants every time I use the spell.
Hairy thought I like this guy, can we be best friends he said, fuck off
George said you smell like shit.
No I’m don’t shouted Hairy, that’s my new deodorant, (Ode Banshee)
My mum bought me that for coming here, he said, Was she the lady that dropped
you off here asked George, yes said Hairy, George laughed, she’s a bit on the
chunky side he said, She’s big boned said smelly pits. (Sorry Hairy) George
looked at him and asked what’s her name, Hairy replied. GussetChips wobbly
butt, George said in a matter of fact voice, she looks like she ate two fridges
a haystack and a small African village for breakfast, and Hairy shouted back she
did not eat a haystack.
George took another look at Hairy and even though he smelled like a pair
of underpants caked in shit, baked in the sun for seven weeks then hosed down
with old spice
Decided he would be Hairy's new friend, I suppose I could always wear a
close peg on my nose he thought. Of
course Gorge was a bit of a fuckwit and had a nose the
Size of a large banana, so there was no way a close peg was going on that
hooter. What he really needed was
the manual for Windows Vista, wrapped around and tied to his nose with a trucks
toe rope.
Hairy was conscious of chuckypants warning and excused himself from
George, he desperately needed to insert the Rampant Bunny Master 2000 into his
rectum so he would be protected from those malicious spell casters.
So off he went up to his room. The
Rampant Bunny Master 2000 was no easy fit and poor Hairy took over an hour to
get it inserted up his arse. Once
there though he felt better, the only problem was getting used to it being up
his arse while he walked.
When he returned George asked him why he was walking like he had just
shit himself. I haven’t shit
myself George! Hairy Cried, I had to insert a Bunny Master 2000 up my arse to
protect me from the evil spell casters. Oh
said George, can I try it some time, I promise I wont shit on it?
Hairy said of course he could just as soon as he had mastered it himself,
and infect it might be an idea to see if they could get another one just for
George. George beamed at this, no
one had ever been thoughtful to him before, and Hairy Duffy was a nice guy.
Hairy told George that his mum was an Anne Summers organizer and Hairy
had often helped her out by modeling at her parties.
He proudly told George he had many different things stuck up his arse
before and was sure his mum could obtain one for George.
And so it was Hairy and George was to become great Butt Buddies! (Among
other things).
Hermankyfingers was not particularly pleased with Hairy spending his time
with George violet nipples though and was quite jealous.
It should be me that he's buying mystical electrical sex toys for and not
George she fumed. She would have to prove to Hairy Duffy that she needed them
much more than George did, after all she was a girl (well mostly) and the men
are supposed to protect the fairer sex. George
could go fuck himself with a lit candle for all she cared, the big nosed shitty
knickered fuckwit. Hermankyfingers
was really not pleased at all if fact she almost cleaned her nails, just to
spite Hairy Duffy as she knew just how much he admired the manky dirt that lay
beneath them and she knew he was desperate to suck on them.
All these series of events were completely stupid and made no sense and
believe me had not the bell for class to begin sounded it would have gotten even
sillier!
Hairy was delighted to find himself in the same class as George and
Hermankyfingers and he sat in the middle of them. The first lesson was supposed to be on how to cast a spell to
make people piss their pants but the teacher Professor No Smiles, was in a
broody mood again and was more interested in talking about babies and shitty
nappies. In an unusual mood she had
kidnapped one of the schools IT technicians and dressed him up as a baby,
complete with nappy and a large dummy. She
must have cast some sort of spell on him too as he lay in a large oversized cot,
making unintelligible noises. During
the lesson Dr Periwinkle the poor technicians boss had a blazing row with
professor no smiles, demanding the return of his technician.
After some choice words though, of which the nature could never be
repeated in our story a compromise was reached.
Professor no smiles would return the technician after the weekend on
Monday morning, freshly bathed and in a sailor suit.
There was a lot of work to be done you see that week Dr Periwinkle
explained, the school was rolling out a new operating system to all the
computers - Windows Vista, Dildo edition otherwise he would have been happy for
professor no smiles to keep the technician longer.
While Hairy for sure was having a whale of a time and certainly
HerMankyFingers Resembled one in many ways, it was obvious to him that he needed
spending Dosh. Without the cash how
could Hairy possibly begin to save for his own and he hoped HerMankyFingers
future. He needed part timework,
possibly evenings, now what could he do? The answer came to him in the form of a
rather strange Squeaky voiced person from a country unknown to our Hairy. This
squeaky voiced twat and it has to be said ever so annoying fucker, Overheard
Hairy telling George Violet nipples about his problem. ‘I know this fucking
great please to work’ went the annoying squeaky twat, all you do is listen to
some knob ends complain about their internet connection not working, once you
have done that, you simply say to them ‘fuck off’ mine works, you dildo
brain and hang up – its easy and you get paid real money for it!
Well Hairy thought for a bit on this, and decided that he would Probe a
bit more so using his magic Dildo Truth extractor he Rammed it up the arse of
the squeaky voiced twat and began to
Extract arse waves to find out more.
It was quicker and easier this way and of course he didn’t need to list
to the squeaky Voiced Cant any longer. It sounded too good to be true but the
arse waves confirmed that Squeaky voice was indeed telling the truth. Hairy was
quite delighted with this and sure he could do the job too, so he Called up the
number he obtained from the arse waves and Spoke to a strange person called the
Glinch. Hairy was asked A few
questions, especially about his powers of fibbing; of Course our Hairy passed
with flying colors and was immediately invited for an interview!
The name of the company was called ‘BeCovened’, strange Name thought
Hairy as he hurried to blacken his finger Nails, spray on some ode piss under
his arm pits and Head out the door for his interview. On arrival a strange
looking blonde met Hairy, she Wore spectacles and seemed quite abrupt
(personally Hairy thought she was a dyke).
This strange women Introduced her self as Withchius Naughtical.
Hairy sat, in front of the coven, totaling seven, one mysterious behind a
hood, who sat dead center, the Glinch stared at hairy with that oh so familiar
(I want to do you like a dohnut) look in her eyes, she started her
questions…Tell me Hairy, why do you want to join our rancid puss filled,
festering little band of Twats, and by the way do you like the smell of Kippers.
Hairy sat there noticing how tranquil the purple glow from the large
throbbing members they had strapped to their foreheads looked, he answered,
I need the fucking money ya tight arsed bitch, the coven immediately
reacted in a huddle sea of whispering and mumbling, the one at the far end, (her
name he remembered was lois the wise) he heard saying, this cunt smells of shite,
The Glinch asked if I were to take all of the electrical power from the
floor of the workplace hairy, what would your reaction be.
Hairy thought about this one, well first of all ya scutter, don’t
fucking try it, and second do you really dye your hair, cos it aint making a
difference to the size of yer big fat ars, and yes, I like the smell of Kippers.
Again huddled whispers from the coven, hairy noticed that there was a
large puddle of piss forming on the floor from the mysterious figure behind the
hood, (obviously so excited at seeing Hairy, he had pissed himself).
Just one last question Hairy, when all of our employees join they are
expected to be polite, and focus a great deal of effort on delivering a high
standard of customer service to our customers, that, and they will have to wear
this sixteen inch behemoth deluxe dildo jammed right up the kyber, for the first
three months, how do you think you would feel about it.
Again hesitation from hairy, well he said, despite the fact that it would
tear my fucking colon to shreds, and I’d end up with an arshole like a clowns
pocket and wide enough for me to sit on your face an shit with little effort, I
suppose I could manage it. Muffled sounds from the coven at this time, (merely
because they were at that moment they were filling their faces full of shit
burgers) The Glinch swallowed hard, (like that was the first time) Ok Hairy your
in, so get over here and give mamma some sweetness.
Chucky pants swung his tiny wand in Hairy’s direction, nearly taking an
eye out, but Hairy was quicker managed to dodge and immediately cam back with a
swift hard fucking kick in the stones.
Chucky pants stood there, smiled at Hairy and said, your efforts are
futile youngster, for I have no balls, for they were bitten of by my pet poodle
when I was but a child, and had discovered the true meaning of a (puppy isn’t
just for Christmas).
Hairy thought shit, what next, he noticed hermankyfingers lying where
chuckypants had had cast her aside, lying there legs astride, gushing like a tap
on full power, the anger built up inside him, just like one of the monstrous big
shits, he does just after he’s eaten four cabbages, six eggs, clotted cream
and a wine gum, he lunged at Chucky pants swerving his tiny wand yet again, back
flipped over his baldy bonce, grabbed him from behind, and quickly frog marched
him over to Hermankyfingers, he tripped chucky pants up, he fell foreword and
Hairy aimed his face straight for Hermankyfingers gaping tunnel of love, with
Chuckypants face firmly held in place, he tightened his grip to stop him from
breaking free, he held him there for what seemed like an eternity, until the
last embers of life ebbed from his body,
He was gone, Chucky pants who had caused so much pain, and suffering had
finally been overcome, (mostly by the gushing gusset of hermankyfingers).
The Coven had been dispersed to various points on the map, never again to
sit in council over all who passed their way, and all warned that the mystical
smelly kipper smell, will alert all to their whereabouts at all times